5 Beard Styles To Avoid in 2023
Beards are man’s other best friend. They can make you appear more attractive, manlier, more dominant, and even more trustworthy. Choosing the wrong beard style, however, is one of the quickest ways to signal to others that you spend your days in a video game dungeon. Here's a quick guide to avoiding the pitfalls of poor beard choices.
How Can You Grow a Great Beard in the First Place?
To avoid a facial fashion faux pas, you first have to have a beard to work with. If you’re a man with a decent genetic predisposition, growing one is one of the easiest things you’ll ever do — just don’t shave! This is sometimes simpler said than done, though. Not every man has been blessed with thick follicles stretching from the neck to the cheekbones. For some, it can take real personal courage to sit through as much as a month or even two months with mid-level facial hair before finally feeling confident.
Unfortunately, some men simply can’t grow facial hair. You may be surprised, though, at how well your disparate patches of hair grow into a cohesive mass. The only way to truly know if you can do it is to try. Give yourself about two months of absolutely no shaving. Disregard what others say. Judge for yourself, but be honest. If you’re getting nowhere after six to eight weeks, it’s time to cut it all off, lest you wind up with the dreaded neckbeard, the first item on our list.
The Neckbeard
Neckbeards are usually characterized by weak, fuzzy patches of hair appearing on the cheeks, mustache, and neck, but the term “neckbeard” has grown to refer more to a type of person — one who spends most of their day on red pill subreddits and repetitious World of Warcraft raids — than an actual style. I’m not here to critique your lifestyle, but it is important to note that this style, or lack thereof, can be a fairly reliable indicator of a certain way of living.
The problem is that most people who end up with a neckbeard do so because they have simply neglected to groom themselves. Weak patches of hair don’t usually look good, and the fact that you haven’t removed yours says that you have probably been too busy doing something internet-related to shave.
Whether you seek positive attention from men, women, or coworkers, good grooming habits are essential. Neckbeards, therefore, often result in a lack of attention. They tell other people that you don’t want to put in the time to become better, more interesting, and more appealing to a potential relationship partner.
Textbook neckbeard as per Wikipedia
2. The Untamed Goatee
Goatees look good on a minority of men, most often when they accentuate or enhance the chin. Before deciding to adopt a goatee, you should always ask yourself: why not go for a full beard? Is the hair on your cheeks too sparse? Does a full mane make you look too rotund? Goatees aren’t currently in style, but they are an acceptable look in rare cases. Some men, however, especially in the metal world, like to let theirs grow into raggedy, gnarly spires that are guaranteed to deter even the most forgiving of concertgoing women.
As a general rule of thumb, if you can see through to the skin (or whatever else is behind) on the other side of your hair, it’s time to trim. This is because people tend to associate thick growth with virility and health, whereas thin, scraggly hairs indicate just the opposite.
3. The Civil War Beard
Unfortunately for the most nostalgic of men, the days of combining mutton chops, goatees, and handlebar mustaches are long gone. Unless you intend to compete in the World Beard and Moustache Championship, hosting an elaborate pelt on your face is less likely to draw the admiration of others as to remind them of an era in which invading tiny island countries and owning slaves were considered acceptable behaviors.
4. The Beard No Mustache Look
Nature designed your facial hair to include a mustache for a reason. Removing it creates a weird, unbalanced look. If you need any more evidence of this, consider that the Amish remove their mustaches expressly to look “plain.” As with the civil war beard, there are also plenty of negative connotations with having a beard and no mustache. For some reason, Islamic extremists, including ISIS fighters, Taliban leaders, and Chechen mercenaries all prefer this look.
As with any beard style, if you google “is it ok to have a beard with no mustache,” you’ll find plenty of articles written by men’s grooming company bloggers telling you to go for it. Disregard these! If you need any more discouraging, check out this list of women’s preferred beard styles. Notice that no-mustache isn’t even on the list, nor is long goatee, nor is crazy mutton chops. It’s always best to stick with the basics.
A disreputable character with the beard-no-mustache
5. The Inappropriate Handlebar
Handlebars have their time and place, and no shortage of historical figures have bolstered the morale of their subjects or troops with magnificent, carefully groomed handlebar mustaches. Most recently, for example, pictures of a young Belorussian-Ukrainian fighter have been circulating the internet, inspiring hope for the Ukrainian cause.
Handlebar done right
There is a wrong place for a handlebar, however, and plenty of people out there are only too willing to judge you if you read your environment incorrectly. Each type of facial hair evokes certain places, times, or images in the viewer’s mind. If your style is way off of the mark, you’ll face ridicule either directly or behind your back. If you don’t care what people think, then go for it, but you’d better have the confidence to back up your choice.
Avoiding the Worst Beard Styles
Facial hair is about conveying an image that reflects your personality. To avoid making facial hair mistakes, make an honest assessment of yourself. Are you bold and confident? Are you whimsical and eccentric? Are you inward and stern? Generally, the more confident you are, the more elaborate the styles you can get away with. The more inward or stoic you are, the simpler your choices should be.
Though you’re best avoiding the styles outlined above, there are exceptions to every rule. Try to balance the opinions of others with your own. There will always be detractors in the world, but your most trusted friends and family have the best input on your appearance. After all, they see you the most.
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